well...its my birthday today lol...happy?not quite i guess lol...actually, that doesnt even come close lol...haiz, this thought keep bothering me recently...guess its really time to give up...so much things have happened...let me have this day to recap y i m emoing lol.... 1. something i hold very important to me...friendship...i thought i finally found a place i could belong to...n stupidly put my hopes in it...haha how silly...it always end up the same...its time i learn the cruelty of reality...n give up...the fact that i dun matter...n my absence makes no fucking difference...being true to others doesnt mean ppl will b true to u...the rule of society, if u dun fit in, people wont give a shit about u... 2. the feeling of giving IT up....is getting stronger...ive thought it thru...n i really wanna go thru with it...but of course...my heart cant bear...something so rare...so powerful...but i guess, it was nvr mine...i gave it my all...but all it gave me, was senseless, meaningless, painful waiting...im sick of it...really...4 years...n u nvr gave me any reason to hold on even...i guess it was just my own stupidity...only someone as dumb as me couldve hoped so blindly for this...fool... 3. family's health has not been well...my sister had so many accidents in china...her body is weak...but at least shes back...though the root of the problem hasnt been found yet...guess she needs to go to specialists again to check her problems... 4. and also...of course...ah ma's health...doc says she may only have 2-3months to live...stage 4 cancer....i wouldnt say im very close to her...but i know, shes been a very good grandmother to me...n she is a strong woman...strong, smart, intelligent n ever so caring...there have been miracles, that people go thru cancer treatment n live even when they hit terminal stages...im really hoping for that... 5. becoz of my grandma's condition, there has been lots of arguments within the family...i hate it...i really fucking hate it...esp when those unreasonable, self centred c********s come n talk crap....this is the fuckin reason y i hate them so much...they r so insensitive...dun fuckin mess around with my family....esp with those selfish thoughts of urs...stop being so fuckin obsessed...even if u want to be, be it urself...stop pulling others in to it n start ACCUSING people...its fucking annoying... 6. financial issues...theres so much money problems in the family...partly caused by my mistakes in the past...i feel so guilty abt it...but i guess i really cant do much...ive wasted so much money...n coz of what?coz of stupidity...coz of my stupid hopes...on things i shouldnt waste on...but at least...its made me realise stuff...learn...grow...n stop doing stupid things=x wow 7. ....i din even realise it was really THIS many lol...7...my dad's talking alot about his business things n getting me involved in it...i guess he really wants me to take over his business...afterall, he really worked hard to bring it up to this level...i do want to help him out...but im really afraid, im not as good as him...hes very smart, n very hardworking n willing to sacrifice so much for the family...i dun think i can b as good a business man and a provider as he is...as much as we quarrel, n dun see things eye to eye...i know he is trying his best to b a good father...n i really love him for this...even though i used to think hes not a good father as hes weak at communicating with us...but i believe, deep down, he loves us...he just doesnt know how to show it well... 8. after my dad, of course, my mom too...well problem with her is probably related to half the things above lol...hmmm scrolling up, i realise...except for the first 2, the others r all related lol...she is really the one who cares the most...n also the one i probably hurt the most...nah not probably, definitely the one i hurt the most=x...n ive learnt one thing from her...nothing is more true than parents' love for their child...i cant say i know for sure for all parents...but at least i know, for mine...i can say im proud to be in this family...proud to b a son of my parents... well...thats about it i guess...CAN there even be more things than the above?lol...oh yea, just thought of it...school....lol, ill probably screw it up...just really hope i pass=x im really counting on that bit of intelligence inherited from my dad alr lol...i guess i feel better after writing it all out...n all the smses and posts on my fb...the smses really meant alot more though lol...coz i guess...all of the people who smsed me...are important to me...=) n i really thank the few of u...who made a difference in my life...as much as id like to make a difference in urs...
;ppl who thinks they are ALWAYS right-_-
;unreasonable people(+ the above=idiots)
;frens who hurt themselves=(
;being accused(grrr...)
;not knowing about things